The Art of Bliss...and to Wearing my Heart on my Sleeve

Happy Holidays to all!
Life has been challenging. I am in the middle of lots of changes. Have had many ups and downs. I am sure when the dust settles...I will have lots of raw material to work with and transform.
Thank you all for your encouragement and support.
Especially Calli, Kelvin, San and Kathy.
You are all wonderful artists and friends.
I received a new printer/scanner for Christmas and have been happily putting all of my new works
and pictures to work. I worked on a video but have run into some technical difficulties that I must resolve before sharing it.... so for now here are some of my expressions using oil pastels. I am really loving them!

P.S and to Kelvin...all of my doodles are self portraits...in a manner of speaking :)
as everything comes from inside.

 

Sunflowers

I have been playing with a new medium...oil pastels. I have had these sitting here in my art supplies and have never used them. My sister the "real" artist has been asking me to give them a try....and I find when I am feeling blocked and uncreative...If I just play with something that I have no expectations of or from...it frees something up inside...I was pleasantly surprised...and have been happily playing with the oil pastels...whenever I have a little free time. Which isn't often!

I am happy that my playing
just might make decent Christmas presents : )...less shopping later!

I have a backlog of doodles..but since my second son Tobias disconnected and took my scanner...I can't upload them...so they will have to wait until either he reconnects..or I buy myself a new one. So here is my latest creations..

Rising Star

Miracle that you are
a bright shiny star
heaven sent
an answer to a prayer.
I watched as you fell
from up high
down to where earthly lights dwell.
I reached out to grasp
your point,
as you passed through my realm.
I briefly, held your attention
my love for you so new.
shining so brightly.was I
as boldly and bravely
I told you true.
how charming and beautiful are you.
listening intently you soak it up
increase your value
a rare commodity.
you absorb my light
steadily
your brilliance 
bright as the sun
as did you quickly become
confident and strong
A source of luminous light
dimming surrounding ordinary
lights, now so many, like mine crowding close
as I jostled to the rear
of the crowd of adoring fans
back slowly away.
my tears begin to shimmer
and overfill
then spill.
blinded by your too bright light
I shade my eyes
and watch as you slowly start to rise
to your rightful place
in the heavens
far above me
and out of reach.

Storm brewing

Sweet summer night
this one... has a silvery, gray sky
and an eerie light
that speaks silently
of something brewing...
In the distance I hear
the rumble of thunder.
Urgent primal sound.
I am greedy this time around.
I want...
A lover and a friend
Love without beginning or end.

Electricity in the atmosphere
Shivering in anticipation...
I feel it ripple over my skin.
It starts to pour
A spontaneous release.
ghosts haunt me
hover close by.
Unceasingly tormenting me.
Shaking the ground
beneath feet thought so firmly planted.
I listen to the sound
of my heart steadily beating.
There is not for me safety in retreating
To be left outside, in a downpour
holding onto a love
that is too afraid to be real
Scared to be shared
wholeheartedly.
With each inhalation
exaltation
a gathering of strength.
each breath out... lengthened into a sigh
my soul mirrors the sky.
I wish... to follow my bliss
discover exactly what this truly is
a deal sealed with a kiss.

aching for more

 A full moon tonight
reflects upon the lake
where two worlds merge.
One in the heavens above
One the waters below.
Moonlight shimmers
ripples to the shore
I am bathed in the moon lights glow.
Aching for more...

It is 2:19am...and  I am alone. Unable to sleep. My mind churning. A soul yearning. 

Trying so hard to speak. Only her deepest truths.
Oh god...I whisper out loud, gripping pillows tightly in a fist turning head 

so that the softness, muffles the sound. Sobs painfully set free from within the depths of me

Love won’t leave me be...rises and claims this broken heart.
Inside the darkness of the room, I am a world apart.
I start to crack, overfilled vessel. What is inside shatters. Pieces of me that I seek to shed, only matter.
I have sprung a leak. Hot, silent tears run down just one cheek. 

Collecting in a pool in the palm of my hand. Slipping through fingers and soaking the sheets.
The trails left behind bathe my skin. Tightening my face.
Loosen the mask worn during the day. Meant to keep everyone away.

All is well
and I am fine.
Is all that anyone is allowed to see or hear. Not me. 

The truth is that most people don’t look each other in the eye
for any length of time...an uncomfortable view.
I dread these moments of solitude for it is here that I feel you.

But the memories I once chased, always slightly behind me and out of reach.
A moth to a flame your brightness calling  me...is only self inflicted pain
all that still remains so tightly contained.

Linear line 

Limited time.
A wounded heart and twisted broken wings. Stupid useless things.

Body made of cold gray cement. Too heavy to fly. All sharp, rough edges.  

Made to be a useful object and not something to be admired.
I attempt to move forward, leave this rut behind.

You giving nothing but me up...
Just leave me here.

Go away.
Don't watch the light in my eyes die.

I am so very far away from the natural high I seek

I long to rise above...this passion and need. A selfish greed for a love that rises up to meet me
in equal measure. A love I would treasure.

I want to go home. Though I know not where that is. Somewhere else I must truly belong. 

I am homesick and desperately long for an elusive familiar place. 

I glimpse your face. I have no choice but to await. 

Trying so hard not to think. Tightly squeezing eyes shut. Bind circles of thought to a single point of light.

Faith,  and hope that all is as it should be. 

             Breathing slow and deep, reciting lists of mundane things that have nothing to do with you.
 

I lost my grip
on the tightly held control
felt a sharp stabbing pain
in the center of my chest
a groan... turns into a wail of despair....call to a god I don’t really believe cares.

Last night a full moon eclipse
and a sharp knife twist
combine
and kiss
as I loosen my fist...
only emptiness

Summer senses

It is August and the dog days of summer have arrived.
Green algae blooms near shore.
Nearby a gaggle of geese explore and feed
under the watchful eyes of their parents.
Flowers wilt in the midday glare of the sun.
Thirsty purple petunias, and the bright orange of marigolds
nearing the end of their limited run.
Beg greedily for a slow and steady rain.
Instead I must drag out the hose.
Worth the pain for the beauty they provide.
Bright green grass, soft when walked upon
with bare feet, tickles the toes.
Hot sand on the beach.
Hopping and skipping to reach the water
ahhh...tepid relief for the soles.
I savor each moment of this.
Trying hard to soak it all in.
My bliss is... sultry, humid, heavy air
making a frizzy mess of curly hair.
The glistening sheen of salty sweat upon my skin.
White tufts of dandelion fluff floating in the wind.
Iced sun tea, Popsicles and lemonade
quench an almost insatiable thirst.
Tall leafy oak and maple trees provide welcome shade at first,
then beckon the reader to come and sit
maybe stay a while.
In a lucid hazy dream.
A bright blue endless sky
Surprisingly loud humming of bees.
A rapidly passing shadow becomes an eagle flying
in lazy circles high above the trees.
Slow smile spreads across my face.
A moment of peace.
Everything growing, once soft and green
is starting to turn just a bit brown along the edges.
Despite the lack of rain this year
we are all eating fresh ears of corn.
Tomatoes, beans and watermelon chunks
leave a juicy wetness and sticky fingers.
In the quiet stillness.
No breeze to gently tousle hair.
Neighborhood children have shot up like weeds.
Mosquito bites, tanned skin and scraped knees.
Everyone remaining outside for as long as possible
absorbing summer memories.
As the sun beams seep into skin
comes the realization that this will
too quickly come to an end.
I contentedly repose honoring the necessary removal of clothes
to reveal a self laid bare
Drowsy limbs too lethargic to move.
Early morning chirping of birds
through a window open wide, heard but not seen.
Canopy of green a shelter.
Rich, dark, sensual scent of fertile mother earth.
Everything slows to a pace I can bear.
for such a short time.
This summer will never pass this way again.

Still I Hunger

                                   

                                                   

   Continuous circle of you wanting me craving you.  

Unrelieved by time, or space
nor with needing.
To erase. 

  Every moment spent twisted up and tangled inside.  

Passion crucified
for lack of trust.

Crossing over a line hastily drawn  

and sanctified with such stubborn pride.
A mangled wreck of love and devotion.  

To worship a deity falsely proclaimed  

as love is cast aside.  

Finding someone else better suited 

for holy, wedded bliss. 

A cure for this madness. 

Yet still...I hunger
for your kiss.

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The Waking

 

The Waking

~by Theodore Roethke

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.

I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling.

What is there to know?

I hear my being dance from ear to ear.

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?

God bless the ground!

I shall walk softly there,

and learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the tree; but who can tell us how?

The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great nature has another thing to do

to you and to me;

so take this lovely air,

And Lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady, I should know.

What falls away is always. And is near.

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

I learn by going where I have to go.

I thank you all...for your words of encouragement...

your support and your sharing of all of your talents and gifts. 

I am in awe.

     I am learning so much from all of you!

Love and Light,

Laura

Blueberry Pancakes

Previous post...
June 10, 2008

I had spent a restless night on the couch.
I couldn't really give T. a reason for escaping from the confines of his...nearness, so I just told him that I was fine...and to go back to sleep. Was it his smell on my pillows? The pillows that I have asked him repeatedly not to use. The snoring? The ease with which he can fall asleep so easily and peacefully? Unaware of my thoughts or feelings.
I don't know. Maybe something deeper that I can not access quite yet.
I woke before the alarm on my cell phone could ring. I heard the shower start as I began preparations for making the promised blueberry pancakes. As I mixed the batter and added the fresh blueberries, gently stirring, I was overwhelmed with sadness. My tears sliding down my cheeks, some inadvertently, mixing in with the batter. Silent grief. Unwitnessed. Gone were the years in a flurry of activities. Gone the sleepy early morning nursing of my newborns. My children growing up...and away...so fast. Gone now...my dreams of love. Gone now even the memories I had promised to hold on to forever. Where did it all go. So much left unanswered.
I give myself...a mental shake. What good is grieving. What good is thinking about the past....worrying about the future. Neither exist for me now. There is only I...in this moment, making blueberry pancakes for her family, so that I will remain...useful.

Debra's response...

Relish those blueberry pancakes, the tears of pain, memories fading, and your dreams. I wish I were there to give you a quiet hug of understanding--and then we would just go about the business of feeding those we love. It was the focus for so long...it becomes hard to imagine you are anything worthy of praise or attention ( other then as a mother, a caretaker). Now it is time to be your own spiritual guide and find a new path--a route to fulfill you. I know you will make it ...to where you belong.